Change is inevitable, progress is optional.

I have been putting this off for a few days... it's the hardest thing writing about failure and disappointment, but here goes...

As most of you know I didn't do the Quin. I was registered, everything was sorted and ready to go but I woke up at 3am with a weird calm feeling and knew I shouldn't be doing it. I spoke to my daughter and close friend, Geoff (both thrilled to have a little chat at 3am...) and decided that it was the best decision. It felt like crap, but I knew it was right.

After having a week or so to let things settle (not a great week, I can assure you) I still know it was right. I hadn't properly prepared for the cold swim (no change there), the bike back issue was seriously concerning me and I was, yet again, attempting to wing a very tough event. Stupid and I'm not proud of myself for it.

Initially, I was planning on giving up on Endurance Triathlon totally. Told everyone close to me and they all agreed it was 'for the best'. My issues with cold water and the back problem, just suck the joy out of it and I think that's why the training has been such a struggle and consequently not getting done.

After a few days of relief, I started feeling very odd. What was I going to do now? Have a 'normal' life?? I looked at other challenges that I want to do (off-road motorbiking, kayaking and Yak Herding) But nothing made me feel better. I just felt so lost. The feelings didn't go away and it dawned on me that until I have put my Deca Demons to bed, they won't.

But realistically the Brutal Deca isn't going to happen. I'm not saying never but right now, I'm in no place to take on such a challenge. My good friend Deca Dave, said a few days ago "you have got to stop setting unattainable goals that reinforce bad feelings about yourself being a failure". He is right and I think this has been a habit which started when I entered the Arch to Arc back in 2009.

But I am not the sort of person to totally give up (sometimes I wish I was) So I did what I do best and tried to work out how I can do the impossible. But this time instead of picking the longest, coldest swim, hardest bike course and toughest, hilliest run... I looked at my options and saw a chance to reach my goal in a more manageable environment.

I'm nervous about saying this out loud, but I am planning on the Mexico Deca in October. This is a one a day format and is held on a flat course. The water is also 20 degrees, which removes the cold issues. Could I do all 10 days? No idea. That is the ultimate goal, but I am breaking it down to completing a Double, then Triple and so on...

Logistically and finically, getting to Mexico is going to be a huge challenge in itself, but I feel really excited about it. This time, I have some company for the long bike training too, as the back issue isn't going anywhere but avoiding long, painful hours in the saddle on my own will help and ensure the training gets done this time!

Finally, I wanted to say thanks to everyone who sent me supportive messages over the last week or so, they really helped :-)