Finding positives

I am on a journey and right now it's not a lot of fun. I'm getting lost a lot, I've broken down a few times and I keep asking myself the question... Is it worth it?

After yesterday's attempt to swim to the IOW, I had to make huge effort to find the positives from the experience, when what I really wanted to do was to take the easy option and give it all up! Accept that I am just not a good enough athlete to achieve the dreams that I have.

But there were positives, and once the disappointment had eased, I could see them.

The swim was taking place in force 4 conditions. I can honestly say that I have never put myself in water that rough. Pure fear would have stopped me. However, yesterday I was aware that the water was very choppy and the wind strong, but I was not that nervous. I felt I could handle it. I actually got in the sea in a happy frame of mind.

Once in the water, I was quickly aware that I couldn't swim front crawl (the only stroke I can do) and bad breast stroke was my only option. So that's what I did for as long as I could. Whilst I got thrown around like a rag doll, I kept waiting for the panic attacks to start... but they didn't. I knew I was struggling, I knew this was the craziest water I had been in, but no panic came. For me, this is HUGE!

After about 45 minutes of slow progress, I got a proper mouthful of sea water and started choking, this triggered my asthma and somehow my inhaler had been thrown from the safety kayak and it was game over. But honestly, at the speed I was going, I don't think I would have made it within the time window.

Post swim, after wallowing for a while, I had to force myself to see the positives. IF it had been a calm sea state, I believe I would have made the crossing, albeit slowly. I completed it in 2010 so I know I can swim the distance but instead what I did was actually far more beneficial. I swam in waters that I have previously refused to get into. Conditions that filled me with dread and panic.

People close to me don't understand why I am continually drawn to something I fear so much and why I can't accept that some things aren't meant to be. I feel that yesterday's experience has shown me that I am making progress and as long as I keep finding the positives, then my journey through failureville won't be wasted.

In other news, my Iron levels are almost normal now and my running and biking are starting to improve :-)

Just keep swimming...